It seems that as the years go by, my triggers become stronger, and sometimes even completely irrational. The feeling of boiling blood, the onset of tears , and an absolute desire to shut down begins to take over. I hate it , I hate it so much that there are days where I write my furious thoughts into my journal so rapidly that my hands turn bright red. There are days when the dreams of remembrance take over and all I want to do is break everything in my room. There are days that my body has shivers sent down its spine when the thought of never being able to have a healthy sexual life comes to mind. There are days when I question my recovery or question if a man will ever be able to fully be intimate with me. Then there are days when I block it out to the point where I try to convince myself that nothing is wrong. Which is what I did for the past few years. Ignore it , block it out, disregard that it had any affect on me. But the truth is that it scarred me , it traumatized me , and even though it is in the past , it still haunts me . It’s impacted my romantic relationships , my relationship with myself , and will continue to impact my future if I can’t get a hold of this rabbit hole. I can’t ignore it , I can’t act as if it didn’t impact me , and I can’t act like everything will be okay if I press through my issues without being honest with myself. It depresses me , and I am impatient and frustrated with living with this , but when a man says something sexual to me and I immediately feel triggered, I know that the time has come.
I need therapy outside of my own healing . I’m on the path of recovery, and although I have come so far with yoga and meditation , I still have a journey to continue . I am not perfect , and I am not going to be able to do this alone . I’m finally taking a step towards more help.
Because I deserve to not be haunted by this, and I want to feel completely okay with vulnerability.
My best friend Ella likes to practice yoga with me .
“For breath is life, and if you breathe well you will live long on earth.” ~Sanskrit Proverb
Working hard with my fellow yoga teacher trainers.
two more months until my journey begins as a registered yoga teacher.
(Source: cwylie0)
The best and most efficient pharmacy is within your own system.- Robert C. Peale
Vegans taste better.
