Chemistry Doesn't Equal a Healthy Relationship
Chemistry Doesn’t Equal a Healthy Relationship
How strong you gravitate toward someone does not define what a relationship with that person will look like. I think many believe the stronger the attraction, the better the relationship will be. Attraction and tools are not a box set. They are sold separately. How “hot,” funny, charming, nice or sexy someone is doesn’t mean they have the capacity to provide you a safe space that promotes growth, where you can feel supported, heard, and beautiful / invincible.
We find someone attractive. We get into a row boat with them. Turns out they don’t know how to row. Or we don’t. Either way, we’re out of sync. The boat only goes in circles. We get frustrated. There’s no communication. We fight. Finally, they jump ship. We are left alone with one oar, wondering what went wrong. But, instead of exploring what went wrong, we jump into another boat or allow someone to climb into ours. Again, we’re out of sync. The boat goes every which way but forward.
If you want your relationship to move forward (be healthy), both people need to know how to work together, be in sync. And this has nothing to do with how attracted you are to that person. But it does have everything to do with how that attraction will fade. Rowing in sync requires tools. This includes the ability to practice active listening, transparency, metacognition, and vulnerability. They must know how to fight fair and try to understand before being understood. If you want to discover all the wonders of the sea, make sure he / she has tools.
We often think of peace as the absence of war, that if powerful countries would reduce their weapon arsenals, we could have peace. But if we look deeply into the weapons, we see our own minds- our own prejudices, fears and ignorance. Even if we transport all the bombs to the moon, the roots of war and the roots of bombs are still there, in our hearts and minds, and sooner or later we will make new bombs. To work for peace is to uproot war from ourselves and from the hearts of men and women. To prepare for war, to give millions of men and women the opportunity to practice killing day and night in their hearts, is to plant millions of seeds of violence, anger, frustration, and fear that will be passed on for generations to come.